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Keywords:

• I'm 95% sure it's a collapsed lung.

Comment: malagraphic

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• Soooo how am I supposed to explain

Comment: to my mom that I was admitted to the hospital, but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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• Watching a guy pay his tab with a

Comment: check. Jesus, dude....

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• You can't just bring up bondage

Comment: and then stop answering me

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• I think my mom's writing a book

Comment: called "How to Fuck With Your Kids When They're High"

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• Saying I'm screwed is like saying

Comment: the Titanic took on a little water.

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• Either I'm getting old or the shitshow

Comment: is playing earlier than it used to

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• I'm sorry some of us common folk

Comment: don't have access to steady dick.

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• This bedazzled flask was my

Comment: best investment yet.

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• My near death experience doubled

Comment: as my sexual awakening.

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• Basically I am an endless fountain

Comment: of sexual experiences and knowledge.

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• I bought him flowers and fake

Comment: vampire fangs, because there's not really a greeting card that says

Description: "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual".

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• I just found vampire teeth and a

Comment: moustache in my purse. Do you know why?

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• I woke up this morning covered in

Comment: blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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• I have a real life question

Comment: Do your boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?